I stand, alone and let the water spray on the top of my scalp. It seeps into my hair, and down my face. I angle my head, so that the liquid flows down my forehead, coating my eyes. You can smell the chlorine in the water. It stings a bit. But it’s nice to feel the pain.

I lean my head on my crossed arms, which rest against the cold tile of the shower. The heat of the water is welcome. It’s very hot. If I move, the sting reminds me of the temperature. I feel like it happened a year ago. I’m glad to be home. I close my eyes.

My mind drifts, as the water flows down my cheeks and into my cracked mouth. I’m back in that street, wishing that I could run. My body throbs. The lights that were chasing me almost seemed like they would never catch up. I project back, and realize that they were just playing with me. I’d like to think that I could have gotten away. But They could have caught me, if they wanted to. Mom always said for me to tie my shoes. The hot water that stings the scrapes on my forehead and on my legs make me wish I had listened to her. I’m back in the shower.

Rolling my head to the side, I let the water fill my ear. Normally, this would make me uncomfortable. Tonight, it’s nice to feel the water. It sounds like I’m drowning. The water is hot. I crack my eyes and let the water slip over my pupils again. It makes me blink.

I’m back on that cold table. Naked. Damp. Clammy. Pale. I can’t move. I don’t know why. I’d given up. My pink eyes were sore from crying, and my throat felt like it was bleeding, raw from screaming. At this point, my mind was numb. All I could think about was how nobody was going to believe a thing. I see my reflection in a shiny surface. A blade, that’s seeping towards my abdomen. I remember hoping that it would leave a mark. I’d have something to show.

The hot water feels like blood now. I shift, and quickly twist the knob. It now points to “C”. I wait for the Cold, the spikes of icicles stabbing my body. The heat fades. The Ice feels like Fire. It’s nice to feel the pain. I think of the shiny metal blade, and how it intimidates. It slides into my stomach, as I was on the table, like I’m made out of peanut butter. It causes no pain. I can’t feel a thing. Just pressure. Numb.

Droplets of Ice manage to find their way down my back. The transition from Fire to Ice makes me whimper, and then shiver. They left something inside me. For the first time, I can feel it. It’s not quite unlike when the Novocaine wears off. It aches. My stomach feels swollen. I doubt Tylenol will help.

My shivering reminds me too much of Their movements. Steady, Knowing, yet freakishly twitchy. My stuttering muscles tense. It makes my Stomach hurt. I quickly crank the knob back to the red “H”. I await the Fire. Numb.

As the water creeps back up to sear my flesh, I grit my teeth. I welcome the feeling. I finally push from the wall, and support my own weight. I look down, at the water hitting my body. All that is left from this Entire Experience is a small stain on my abdomen, to the right of my belly button. I slip my hand over it. It Never Happened. There is nowhere that the searing water hasn’t coated. But it’s nice to feel the pain, finally.